After ending my run short tonight because of a sore foot, I am brought to a painful awareness about a few other things.
What happened to the past month? I had a number of things that I wanted to accomplish in the past month. A bunch of things that I wanted to get to. Things like losing 10 pounds and learning to play the guitar. But somehow while juggling all the things I've got going on, I dropped a few balls.
Mom - I'm reminded of your comment to me, that I think I've written about before,
"You can do anything you want, dear, just not everything."
I don't like this truth!
I am a bit mad at myself right now. Well, disappointed in myself would be more accurate. With all that's going on, I somehow got caught up in everything from work, the DIVA Retreat, buying this house and everything...that I completely let my fitness slide. I've still been eating pretty well, but I had aspirations of being much farther along at this point. My benchmark was April 20th. It just dawned on me that THAT IS TOMORROW and I'm nowhere near my "6 Pack by summer" goal. In fact, I weigh exactly the same! Never lost a pound. And I have not picked up my guitar in weeks!
Right now, I'm not able to juggle it all.
I guess it's true that "we teach what we most need to learn" b/c I've even given speeches on the topic of "jugging it all". Heck, during a photo shoot last year, I even grabbed a few balls to juggle b/c, for the most part, I've been quite good at juggling it all! Extraordinary - in fact! Well, tonight, I don't feel too extraordinary! I feel humbled. Human. A bit mad at myself.
And eager. A deep, inner sense of eagerness that only happens (for me) when I hit my "bottom of the barrel". It's like "enough is enough!" When I stepped on the scale tonight, thinking that miraculously, I'd have lost at least a few pounds this month...only to discover that it was clearly not the case. In fact, I weigh one pound more. (*&^%^, was I pissed off! But then I stopped and asked myself what I actually DID to lose any weight...and the answer is = nothing. I let my fitness slide b/c I was focused on other things. I sort of just ignored that ball and let it drop and roll away. Well, it's time to go find it b/c I've got big plans for this year! And I'll take that Hawaii IM lottery slot as an indication that God or the universe also has big plans for me.
....so tonight...I feel a deep sense of eagerness that only comes from disappointment.
I feel eager for a new day. I feel eager and desire to change...to regain a refreshed focus to look at what I really want in my life. And I feel eager to prioritize and review what I want for 2010 and commit to those things more specifically. And I want to drop a few balls...drop a few things that I thought were important, but in fact, weren't as important as I thought...making room for what's really important and of value in my heart.
I just need to listen to my heart to really figure it out.
And then, on the DIVA Retreat where we're all going to stretch and grow, I'm going to commit to fewer things - for just 30 days at a time. Earlier in the year, it worked when I committed for 30 days to having no chocolate. It worked when I focused for a finite time on certain things. (The benefits and new habits lasted more than the 30 days anyway...but it was manageable. 30 days is something I can easily commit to, no matter what it is.) At times, it's easy to just change...and do things differently...but for some things, it's becoming clear that I need to break it down, review, refocus and refine what I want...letting a few balls drop...so that I can pick up and juggle the fewer (and more important) things that reside in my heart.
Mom - I miss you more than ever! Seriously! Come home soon! I hope your flights from Spain are going to be OK considering the travel issues going on over in Europe right now.
I was talking to Gwen today and we were both lamenting on how much we miss you, longing for just a few minutes with you!
I can't wait for you to come home, Mom. Put me first in line...I know you have so many other kids to call when you get home, but call me soon!!!! I GOTTA TALK TO YOU!
love you,
Crystal
PS more on the new house and your mini fruit orchard tomorrow!
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