The difference between "getting messy" and "making a mess".

Mom, this blog is supposed to be a gift for you...but I see that it has been so much a gift for me, too. Thank you. I am grateful. And I'm totally grateful for our chat today. You're simply amazing Mom. I don't know what to say. "Thank you" just could never be enough. Not in a million years.

I went to bed lastnight feeling much lighter from simply acknowledging how I was feeling...and any last tiny bits of loneliness disappeared this morning, along with remnants of feeling sorry for myself, after talking to you.

Thank you for calling Mom.

I also have to tell you...I wrote a message on facebook about tub caulking and receiving a few messages from friends also made life just seem so much brighter and back to normal. Mom, you made my day just by being there...and the rest of my day was filled with countless blessings, leaving no room for loneliness or feeling sorry for myself, at all.

I got the greatest advice from a friend, who I've only actually met, face-to-face, once, unfortunately, but what he said was so true;

Tub caulking...Not that hard if you're willing to get dirty. Maybe a metaphor for life and relationships. I sucked at caulking until I was willing to jump in and get messy.

How true this advise is...getting messy is the only way.

I was also reminded of a basic fundamental "life lesson". We all know it...but sometimes it's easy to forget.
Too much of anything really is not a good thing...when you're caulking the tub and when you're not. Less is more.

Too much caulking doesn't make it better. It just makes a mess. All over the tub and all over your hands. Getting messy is one thing...but making a mess is something different. Getting messy is a part of life - a great part of life - where growth, learning, joy and amazing moments happen. But making a mess (in life) sort of feels like when the sticky caulking is all over your hands. It's just not a good place b/c you can't touch anything, you can't get it off, you're just sort of stuck there in a sticky "paralysis". Just like worrying too much...or thinking too much...or eating too much. Not a good thing...and all you end up with is a mess in your life...hiding out or hanging out in a sort of paralysis.

From now on...less is more...
- less tub caulking
- less worrying too much {about nothing}
- less thinking too much
- less eating too much
- less mess but a whole lot more getting messy.

Mom, you would have been the first to suggest that I not cut too much off the tip of the caulking cartridge. I, however, thought I might need a lot b/c I had just pulled off all the old caulking, so I cut the end off a little more than I probably should have. You know "Less is more" in almost every area of life...and where more is better, you've probably got your measuring cup out, while I'd be free-pouring, but that's another story in itself.

Until then...and until tomorrow,
I love you.
Crystal

This, too, shall pass.

The honest truth.

Today, I am lonely.

Mom, Scotia and I are having a little "pity party". It's not really a major pity party, but still, a little one. All I can say is, thank God, these parties don't happen very often and when they do, they only last a few hours. That's enough for me.

I can see the big picture. I'm not complaining. I know I have a great life, a spectacular future, tons of faith and so many opportunities ahead of me. I know that I have the greatest family and lots of wonderful friends. I have my health, security and more than I could ever ask for in life...and I am very gratetful for all of this.

But today, I am just pure lonely.

Lonely. Lonely. Lonely.

I could surround myself with people, easily. I could call any one of a million family members or friends. But I'm not lonely for a friend to talk to. And I'm not sad. I'm just lonely. My heart is lonely for someone to love.

Well, not just "someone" though. "Someone" would be very easy to find. I don't want that. Rather, I'd like to meet someone that I truly love...that loves me... A partner to share my life with. Someone to share my dreams with and be a part in theirs. Someone that makes my heart sing. They don't have to be perfect. I'm not. But, right now, I pray and wish that the person I'm supposed to meet would find me...or I'd find them...or we'd just cross paths...and know enough to stop and pay attention.

This "someone" is someone that God (or maybe you, my close friends or sisters) think I should be with b/c, clearly, I do not know what's best for me and the choices I've made in the past have not been quite right for me. Sure, I've always gotten exactly what I wanted....only to realize quickly that what I (thought I) wanted, wasn't really what was best for me. Yes, I've had a few opportunities to meet someone, but they just have not been "the one" although I'm grateful that I've made some wonderful friends.

I'm at a loss. I'm obviously "not in the now - because I don't know what to do".

If I did know what to do, I'd say that I need to remind myself to just have faith...to not be too attached to the outcome...and just take care of the present moment...and the rest will take care of itself.

I'm taking my hands off the wheel.

The little DIVA card that I randomly drew today said, "You have everything you need within you."

It doesn't really feel like it right now.

I did have a great bike ride today and blessed few hours of packing boxes and moving them to the new house, with a lovely stop in to see Gwen. For these things, I am grateful - and blessed - and still lonely.

Did I mention that I'm also feeling sorry for myself?

I am. And I know it. I'm a little amused by this b/c I don't feel sorry for myself very often. And when I do, I don't really want to share that with anyone, but this is the truth. Today - I'm lonely and tonight, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.

It really is quite funny. I'm almost laughing as I write this b/c somehow, simply honouring where I'm at and being so real and honest about it takes all the strength out of it. And then it just is what it is. A little lonliness. It feels good not to hide, run or avoid.

I'm still tired of doing everything alone, without a life-partner to share some of life's moments with...little day-to-day moments and BIG moments...and everything in between. And it would be nice if I didn't have to do everythign around the house...for example, I'd really appreciate it if I didn't have to re-caulk the tub. I hate doing this job. But I've got to do it. I'm selling the house and it needs to be done.

I'm being so silly.

I am trying to imagine what you would say or do, Mom.
I am certain that you'd ask, "What have you been eating? Are you eating enough protein?"

I have. I had salmon and salad for dinner.

Then, I could imagine you saying, "Well then, it's late. Go to bed. You'll feel better in the morning."

I'm sure I will. I don't really mind this lonely time...I don't like it but I don't mind it b/c I know there's a gift here somewhere...and I am sure I will recognize it at some point, just not right in this moment.

Even just writing this makes me feel better. Thank you. I know I'm not alone. I have so many people that love me. But I don't really even have a need or desire to "talk" it out. I think I just need to go through it and come out the other side. And simply allow this to pass.

"This, too, shall pass."
And a good sleep will make a world of difference.

I love you,
Crystal

PS Tomorrow, when I re-caulk the tub, I'm sure I'll feel even better.

OK, OK, I'll follow. YOU lead.

Today, I felt like I was one of these little girls in India, being "carried" or led through my day.

I showed up this morning at 8:00am and we had a fantastic day at the Flaman Fitness Bike-A-Thon. I'm not sure how much money was raised, but for a "first annual" event, it was a great success, even though the weather didn't cooperate at first. It was raining and not looking good, but so many people showed up to ride and give their pledges to the Women's Shelter and for the entire 4 hours, all 15 stationary spin bikes were occupied! Yay!!


Anyway, back to the feeling "of being led". I sort of felt like, "Why am I really here?" Truthfully, I just sort of helped out. I didn't have any real agenda or things to do. I wasn't really needed. I was just there to help where I could. Gwen and the manager of the store were in charge of everything and it all went so well. It was amazing to watch Gwen in her element - inspiring and encouraging people, creating atmosphere and making people feel good...and laugh...a lot! Her "inspiring high kicks" that she did periodically were hilarious!

I really just did my part, helped out and when the day was done, Gwen and I spent some time just visiting and working and then I left, after a wonderful day. Upon getting home, showering and grabbing something to eat, I had a nap for half an hour with Scotia and then, for some odd reason, I felt I should go to the hostel. Well, that's not it. My inner voice said the following, although I'm not entirely sure why; "OK, OK, I hear you. We're going. I have no idea why, but OK."

And with that...I grabbed my keys, a protein shake and hopped in the car to go to the hostel. Getting there, there was no urgent matter to take care of. Everything and everyone were great. I folded some towels and bathmats, visited with some of the staff and guests and was still perplexed as to why I was even there. They were having a big BBQ and everyone was getting ready for it, cutting tomatoes and bbq-ing burgers.

Then, one of the staff and I sat down and he said he really needed to talk about some things and had just been thinking of me 10 minutes earlier and wanted to connect and talk about his work situation. He has a full-time job as well as working at the hostel and it's tiring, trying to do everything. He said, that no less than 10 minutes before, he had been thinking of me, wanting to talk about his thoughts and plans.

Totally cool, weird and normal...all at the same time.

Then, a man came in, from Greece, but he didn't have a credit card. Usually, we would say no, which we did (it's our policy that everyone have a cc). But he was closer to my age or 10 years older, certainly not a transient, and simply just didn't travel with his credit card. But our policy is there for a reason. We had to say no. I directed him to the other hostel in town but said, before I could even think about it, that if they said no, to please come back. We had one bed left for the night and, if it was only for one night, something told me that we should let him stay.

Well, he left...and then came back about 30 minutes later. the other hostel said that they also required a credit card in order to stay.

So...I checked this man in, showed him around and that was that. He said thanks, as he paid for his bed and that he was grateful b/c he would have had to drive back to Vancouver, had he not been able to stay the night. I said that it was nothing...but that when he comes back during the summer, he should bring his cc.

As I come home tonight and get ready for bed, I feel like I still don't know exactly why I was led where I went today...to work with the fund-raiser this morning...or to the hostel tonight... All I do know that I was supposed to follow that something inside of me that was leading. I don't know the impact or difference I made throuh my day, but I am certain that I was where I was supposed to be.

As I say goodnight and pick a card from our "DVIA Tin of Wisdom", the card I choose is "Have patience...". (Not really the card I wanted...b/c at this moment, I'm feeling slightly impatient.)

I think we always pick the right card for the moment.

Goodnight Mom. Love you.
I think I get what today was all about; following...or being led by a higher calling and being of service to some higher good.

These are things that you do, oh so very well.
Love Crystal

Put it in a box...

Yesterday, my house went up on MLS and realtors are now calling (my realtor) to set up apt's to view my home. So...at 5 to 5pm, I packed a few things to take to the new house and crossed my fingers as I left the house.

My home looks gorgeous!! You can see it, Mom, on the realtor website. Go to www.mls.ca and type this # 10009452 which is my MLS #.

My office area was a bit cluttered with papers and stuff on my desk...so I put all my "current" stuff in a box. Not to forget about. But to compartmentalize...and get out of sight for the realtors and their clients. I could not dismantle Scotia's tent (she loves to sleep under the blanket in the chair.) But, it felt good to have a clean desk!

(Who knew?)

And then lastnight, I opened the box and started working on or dealing with the various contents, one piece at a time, rather than just looking at a pile of stuff on my desk and feeling sort of overwhelmed. It was easy...b/c I could only pick out the item at the top. One at a time. Easy!

This is a pretty good concept...one that I think you live by often, Mom.

"Put it in a box." It might be a bunch of things to look at or go through (in which case...I remember, when we were young, the box going to one of the far bedrooms, back closet or down to the cooler to deal with later). But it also might be emotions or something else to deal with. In the Dale Carnegie course I took when I was 21 (Don paid for it - that was so AMAZING of him!), I remember learning, "Live in day-tight compartments." Live, sort of, in the present moment and only deal with what you are dealing with - in that moment. Let other things wait (in a box or compartment) until a better time to deal with it - so we don't get overwhelmed...and then unable to deal with anything.

Put it in a box...not to forget about...but to manage and deal with in an easier fashion. I can do that!

Today, we have Tour de Flaman at the fitness store! It's going to be a fantastic day! I'll send photos later.

For now, here are a couple quotes that I found, that I really liked. But I like yours best...about the mushroom!

Love you,
Crystal

If you are in the now, you'll know how. Baron Baptiste

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment. Rumi

Windows, doors and walls....

I'm reading a book right now by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author or Eat, Pray, Love...a famous true story that told the experience of how she went travelling for one year: to Italy, India and then Indonesia... to find her spirit and spend time in each place to indulge (Italy), be in a place and space of devotion (India) and then to Bali, to find the balance between the two. It was a great book...and this one is too.

I read the following and will never forget it.

In her new book, "Committed", Elizabeth Gilbert mentions a lady by the name of Dr. Glass. Dr. Glass came up with an analogy for communication that was so amazingly simple, clear...and profound.

It's funny how the most profound things are so very simple!

Anyway, the concept is about how, in communication, we have windows and doors (spaces we can freely open where life is "personal") and these windows and doors are reserved for our closest friends, families and partners. Then there are walls (like in a house) where nothing passes through. It's not personal. Walls are built (and should be) between acquaintances, strangers, etc.

The problem in communication, and in relationships, according to this psychologist, is when we start making windows where there should be walls and boarding up windows to become like walls, where there should be windows.

After reading this little excerpt, I stopped and thought about my past friendships and relationships...where I definitely boarded up a few windows and doors and cut a few holes in walls to make windows where I shouldn't have.

As I pack this weekend and move some things over to the new house (to store in the garage), I'll look at all the windows, doors, walls and that amazing view a little differently.

Mom - you didn't make up this analogy but it reminds me of your simple, profound truths that you often come up with.

I love you.
Have a wonderful day!
love your #8, Crystal

I can't see them, but I can feel them.

When something isn't quite right or when something needs attention...there are usually warning signs...red flags.

The seat-belt buzzer goes off when we're not buckled in.
The oven timer goes off when my world-famous cookies are finished baking.(Well..actually YOUR world-famous cookies...it's your recipe, Mom.)
The water in my bathtub or sink goes out the safety drain and doesn't overflow.
My guitar tuner flashes red...until I've tuned it correctly and then the green light appears.

These are just little signs or red flags. The greatest of all "red flags" is not so much what I see or hear...it's how I feel.

Mom, I did not bite his head off. I didn't go. I was to meet my mortgage broker today at 1:00pm to sign off on the mortgage and commit to the broker that I will use them for the contract. By noon I was feeling sort of sick. Not physically but in my gut. That unsettled, uneasy feeling. I knew "something" wasn't right, but I could not identify it with exact clarity.

As I was doing my last-minute preparation and getting ready to leave to do a few errands and go see the broker, I decided to email them and ask again for an answer to a question that I had asked several times before but had not gotten an answer on. The polite "I don't want to make waves." and "I really don't like confrontation." side of me figured I would just deal with things and didn't want to get into a discussion with the broker, especially since I did bite his head off the other day (which I apologized for several times today on the phone). I figured that the interest rate was so low, it would all work out. I wanted a "home LOC", not a conventional mortgage and he never got back to me on this, even after a few emails.

I just could not shake that uneasy, unsettled feeling inside of me. I decided to look objectively at the situation...look at the logical facts only...not be swayed by my annoyance and frustration with the lack of clarity, the 6 days they were having email issues and couldn't receive a basic file from my realtor, not answering my questions, etc....

I reviewed all the email and correspondence we had had.

It was then that I noticed the initial letter of offer for the mortgage. I had not opened the file b/c we had discussed it's contents on the phone...I opened it and realized that it was not even my information. It was information on someone else (a LOT of personal information), perhaps a different client. The broker had sent me the wrong letter of offer. I'm not sure where my letter of offer was...but this was not my letter.

Mistakes happen. But not this many. It was just too much.

It all became clear to me in that instant.

In my gut, I didn't trust this person's credibility or ability. I was worried that something was going to go side-ways in my dealings and I feared that I'd lose the house b/c the financing was not arranged properly and in time for my possession date.

In that moment, I made a commitment to me - to honour how I feel and honour the red flags that my intuition had been throwing to me.

I emailed the broker and said I could not meet him and we subsequently had a conversation on the phone about all the things that led to my decision.

Immediately, that feeling of calm, drama-free ease came over me. The sick feeling in my stomach was gone.

Immediately.

It was astounding.

Tonight, as Scotia and I get ready for bed, after baking a birthday cake for someone at the hostel and smile about the afternoon spent with Gwen at her work...along with the clarity gained today, not by "seeing" red flags in my life, but rather by "feeling" them, I am reminded, yet again, that there just might be angels all around me...on a daily basis...watching over and guiding me along this journey called life.

My necklace says "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." I have an inspirational ring that says "commitment" that I wear as well to remind me that I need to be committed to me...and my dreams.

Mom, today was a great reminder to simply pay attention to all the red flags I see, feel and hear....and to only act on what "feels" right insde my gut.

You have the best sense of intuition of anyone I know. Today, thank you for lending me these gifts of yours...and thank you for sending all these angels my way...I can't see them but I can certainly feel their presence.

Love Crystal

BEING present.

"What is it that so many people find enchanting in animals?

Their essence - their BEING - is not covered up by the mind, as it is in most humans.

And whenever you feel that essence in another, you also feel it in yourself. Every being is a spark of the Divine or God. Look into the eyes of another and see their innermost core.

Love is a deep empathy with the other's "Beingness". You recognize yourself, your essence, in the other. You are not separate from the whole. You are one with the sun, the earth, the air.

You don't have a life.

You are life."

Eckhart Tolle and Patrick McDonnell

Mom - When I read this, I thought of you. I know the short excerpt is talking about pets...and their "essence" and how, as humans, we are often hidden beneath layers (of stories we make up) in our minds and are rarely present.

Mom, YOU are enchanting, magnetic, because of your essence, your "being" present. You truly are a "spark of the Divine". Everyone who knows you would agree. Spending even just a few minutes on the phone with you helps me recognize myself and my essence b/c you are so connected to yours and so completley present.

Thank you.
I love you,
Crystal
PS This is one of my favourite photos of you (and Don). I can't wait to get to the beach this summer where all there is to do is just simply "be" and be present.

A lesson in humility and taking responsibility

Mom,
The "May Long Weekend" has just rolled by and the hostel was at it's finest, every bed filled, the yard looking great with flowers galore and a wonderful new team of staff. Every year, this weekend, I am reminded of 3 very lovely girls that came to the hostel 9 years ago (I can't believe it's been 9 years) and wanted to stay. The hostel was full at that time as well but we lived just across the street and I wanted to help these 3 lovely girls - so they put up their tent in our back yard and we strung Christmas lights up so they could see if they had to come inside the house during the night to go to the washroom. Then, when the hostel had space a couple days later, they moved over and stayed there.

These 3 amazing girls; Elizabeth, Flavie and Claudia, ended up working at the hostel...and it was probably one of the best summer's ever! I don't have photos to show (it was before digital) but I can remember this time, as if it were yesterday. You've met these girls years ago when you were here.

It's hard to believe that one idea (pitching a tent in the back yard) led to a ripple effect that lasted years. It probably affected how the hostel even is today b/c that particular summer brought other travelers (who ended up working at the hostel) likely b/c of these 3 girls...Amelie was one of those travelers. She ended up managing the hostel for a year and a half! And then friends of friends and brothers/sisters of all these amazing people would come and work summer after summer!

It's quite incredible how one moment in time can have a huge impact on the future!

Flavie sent me an email yesterday and it amazes me that they would even remember their summer, 9 years ago, let alone keep in touch. I'm so grateful.

It makes me think about the importance of being my best, going out of my way, trying just a little harder, every day.

Yesterday...I was not my best!

I had a lapse in judgement and bit someone's head off. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't think it was justified, but then again, it's never justified.

The broker that I'm getting the mortgage from (for the new house) has taken since May 16th, 6 days, to deal with his email issues and get paperwork to his lender.

It should not and cannot take 6 days to sort out email issues from a client's perspective.

I had been waiting all week for a firm answer on the financing b/c I signed off on the new house yesterday - without a firm answer from him - b/c he didn't the paperwork to his lender on time.

So...while it's sort of a comedy of errors on his part, this entire process - from the start, I had no right to bite his head off now. I had no right to express my frustration even when he kept making excuse upon excuse, being the victim, never taking responsibility for his part in any of what has happened. That's what really got to me. Whether it was email problems or several other things that had happened, he never took responsibility for all the stuff going on, on his end.

That's what was so frustrating.

And so I bit his head off.

NOT GOOD! NO MATTER WHAT! NEVER DO THAT! I KNOW BETTER!

So...today I am left feeling not so great b/c I shouldn't have expressed my frustration. At the same time, it reminds me even more that, in life, it's up to me to take responsibility for everything in my life. Always. And not play some sort of victim role. If it's in my life, I created it. Email issues are not someone elses issues. They're mine. And I'm responsible.

Mom, you taught us to never play the victim role and to always take responsibility. You also taught us that it was wrong to bite someone's head off, which I now must apologize for!

Today, I humbly look at taking responsibility for everything in my life (after all, I chose to work with this person) and reevaluate and reassess why I allowed my frustration to show, when I clearly knew better.

As I pack boxes and get to work today, I know I would probably have made a number of decisions differently - from who I chose to work with in the first place to how I responded in this situation.

One thing I know for sure: Biting someone's head off is never the answer!
Thanks for this lesson in humility and responsibility!
Today is a new day and an opportunity to do my best, b/c yesterday, clearly was not!

Crystal

Beauty, Kindness and Calm

It's 5:48am and the sun is shining...outside and inside!

Beauty:
After spending about 3 hours outside (yesterday afternoon) cutting the grass, blowing and picking up the little seeds from the trees, weed-whacking, sweeping, watering the plants and tidying the garage a little more, I just took my coffee and went on a little walk around the yard to admire the beauty that surrounds me.

Kindness:
Lastnight, Anne called from Manitoba (The owner of the new house.). She asked me to check to see if her trees are being watered by the neighbour. I said that we would water them, if the neighbour isn't. I asked her if we could put some things in the garage. She replied without hesitation. "That would be good. You can keep an eye on my place then." The kindness and trust she has expressed is simply over the top! Being able to move some things to her garage will be so helpful b/c I have to de-clutter my house a bit...and to be quite honest, it's so exciting to go over there and just "be" there. I walked into the house last week, to meet the inspector (so the door was open b/c he was already there) and it was like coming home!
Calm:
As I woke up with the sun this morning, I felt this wonderful sense of calm. A sense that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Scotia was purring right beside me, waiting for my eyes to open. There's lots of things I'm not sure about but I've got this feeling that I'm on my right path these days and that feels amazing. I read once that intuition means "unconscious knowing". I know when my intuition is talking to me...telling me to re-evaluate or choose a different path...it makes me feel unsettled...throwing up tiny red flags into the air within my mind...OR...it is calm, quiet, peaceful...silently confirming that I'm on my right path. That's how it feels right now. In my life, I have seen the red flags and felt that unsettled feeling before every major decision in my life...and then, shifting direction, this sense of quiet calm...peace...takes over.

Today, living intentionally helps me see all the beauty that surrounds me; kindness that leaves me in awe; and a sense of calm that silently confirms that I'm on my right path.

Mom - thank you for all the beauty, kindness and calm that you created in our lives. You taught us that there is beauty everywhere - in the simple things - that kindness to others, strangers or friends, is expressed without question or hesitation - and you lived your life, for us, making sure that everything was as calm and peaceful as possible, when we were growing up (when it could have been anything but calm).

How lucky are we?

VERY!

You are amazing Mom.
I love you.
Crystal

3 Things that guide me today

Well...it doesn't actually look very different - YET. But there are areas and categories of "garage sale items", "throw out" and "keep". I spent a few hours in the garage yesterday and loved it! There is something so free-ing about going through stuff and getting rid of what you have been holding on to (for no reason). Letting go makes me feel so much lighter! Now, I just need a truck to get the garbage items to the dump and give-away items to the 2nd hand stores.

As I was cleaning, a friend came by b/c they got caught in the rain and needed a lift home. That was one of the highlights of my day. I love it when friends feel so comfortable with you that they just stop in to say hi, to visit, or to ask for what they need. Another highlight was talking with you, mom. Thanks for the visit. I love you! Another great part of my day yesterday was going over to the hostel to visit and catch up with everyone for a bit and then continuing on to go and see Gwen and visit with her and Charlotte. We ate sushi, watched "Valentine's Day" and laughed.

Oh, it feels so good to be alive...to be surrounded by family and friends that are so wonderful...and to be soooo loved.

This morning as I quicky enjoy this coffee and get ready for a run with Linda, I just can't get over the possibilities that lay before me.

Mom, thank you for your ever-present reminder of these three things:
1. That the truth is all that matters
2. That happiness comes from within
3. And that who I surround myself with will have a larger impact on my life, than I could ever possibly imagine.

All of this and everything I am becoming - thanks to you, Mom.
You remain the wind beneath my wings.
Love Crystal

Maybe

Maybe today is a day to...
- Just say yes...to lots of things!



- To pray...not for what I want...but rather for what God might want for me.



- To forget about the past, letting go of things that happened years ago, and focus more on today and what's to come. Wouldn't that feel so much better? Imagine the possibilities.









- To get into that garage. Yes. It's definitely a day for that. Photos to come.

Mom, I love you. I'm so glad you like your blog. I don't have anything witty today to say, although you certainly always do. But I did have a great evening lastnight. I'll call you and tell you about it. Yesterday, I was at the new house in the morning, dropping off a few things before going to work and when I backed out of the drive way, Gwen was on her deck, blowing kisses in my direction. I'm so excited to be moving next door. I think she is too. We both can hardly wait for you to come out to visit.
love Crystal

Money well spent...

Mom,
I don't remember you ever complaining about the cost of things when you had to purchase something necessary. I don't recall you ever being extravagant with your spending either. From my memory, the feeling I recall from you, about spending money was that "Things cost what they cost and when you're buying what you need to buy, whether it was hundreds of dollars on groceries or appliances... that's just how much it is." I'm sure you shopped for the best price for things, and I know you were always a "coupon cutter-outer" but if you needed something, you just bought it and that was that. No second thought about the money spent.

That's how I feel right now. I just spent a few hundred dollars on an inspection on the new house...for the inspector to tell me three (yes = 3) little things that I'll need to follow up with or keep an eye on. A small crack here in the foundation that will need to be monitored but there's no leaking inside. Don't water the flowers too much at the end of the yard b/c the retaining wall has a crack in it as well. And make sure you fix that small part on the roof where a bit of water pools.

That's it.

That's it? How can that be it?

The inspector said that some people are angry when they have to pay the bill when there really isn't much wrong with the home.

I feel the opposite. It was money well spent! Verification that the house is the "right" purchase. Confirmation and confidence that what I'm investing in is sound. I think I get my views from you, Mom. Getting an inspector was the right thing to do...and that's just what it cost - and that's that.

I'm so excited I can hardly stand it!

I can't wait for you to come visit.
thank you for your wisdom in teaching me the importance of investing (and spending) wisely.
I love you!
Crystal
PS: the garage isn't done yet...I need the weekend!

The energy of synergy...

This is a photo of one of my favourite porters/sherpas last year in India (bringing hot water for tea and washing early in the morning). I can't spell his name properly but he was pure JOY! Every day he just radiated with joy!

He also knew what divine love was. So did the rest of the entire team. I think it is part of their culture and "way of life". The fact that they were such a great team, contributed to their sense of joy and divine love for one another and the world around them.

Today,in my business planning class, we talked about business and how we, as business owners, need to be unique and remarkable in some way and the importance of having a great team surrounding you, whether it's staff, friends, mentors, etc.

For the hostel...it's all about the team! I think it's been the basis for the success of the hostel over the past 12 years. They create the "energy of synergy" with their different personalities, their ideas, their joy for life and what they do!

Mom - I told them the stories of the first time you came to help renovate, and the biker dude that was staying there...and a bunch of other stories. They LOVED them...and the few photos of you!

Lastnight Scotia decided to step up and be a part of the team! I've been looking for that mouse every chance I can. The mouse has been laughing at me...licking the peanut butter off the traps I set and then carrying on like nobody's business! Scotia has decided to become an innocent bystander in the whole thing (even though she started it when she brought this little "present" in to the house as a gift! So...after pulling out the dishwasher, the stove, the fridge...looking for the little critter, and setting traps everywhere, I went to bed. Scotia clearly was perplexed by what was doing and stayed awake "on watch" in the kitchen. About 2am, I hear her running around at the speed of light (Rare...considering she's 20 pounds)! So, I bolted up! She had the mouse cornered in the livingroom under the baseboard heating thing. I was no help. I could not see it or find it. So, I went back to bed. Then, at 4:00am, I hear her again...and I bolt up again. This time she has it cornered in the other part of the livingroom and catches it! Yay, I thought!!! But then with the mouse in her mouth, she goes down teh hallway to the bedroom! I nearly flipped! I followed her and got behind her and urged her back to the hallway and to the front door. She did not want to go outside...after all...this was a present for me! ("how ungrateful" she must have thought I was being!) I got the door opened and shooed her outside. On the step, she let the mouse go. It obviously ran sort of down the steps and then off the side of one of the steps.

Yay!!!!

With a flashlight, wearing only my underwear, I'm out there looking to make sure the mouse is actually on the ground. There it was! I grabbed Scotia and we went inside. I locked her in for the rest of the night so she wouldn't go looking for her friend. She was not impressed. I was grateful that she stepped up on the team to help me get this mouse out of the house!

I gotta say that this mouse is one amazing mouse. It escaped traps, mouse poison, and was actually quite smart. I do feel pretty good that life sort of goes "full circle" and it's back outside and not dead.

Thank God for the power of a team and the energy of synergy.

Mom, you would have laughed out loud at this whole escapade lastnight. I am laughing today.... but lastnight...it wasn't quite as funny.

Today, living intentionally will be simply trying to stay awake in my class. Then...going to the new house for the inspection!! Assuming it all goes well, I'll be able to move in at the end of June!!!

I can't wait for you to come and visit! There will be no "mouse in the house" when you get here!
love Crystal

Divine love...

I read a story once that talked about "divine love". It said that divine love is devoid of fear. Without fear, divine love (or what I think real love is) just flows freely. There's nothing stopping it (like fear, expectation, attachment to the outcome, etc.)...so love is just shared and given freely, with an endless supply to the world around and everyone and everything in it. Where there is divine love, there is no self-sacrifice or winning (or losing) either. There is just love.

I saw the expression of "divine love" today in two different instances. First, just a tiny example, this morning when I was driving to Pentiction, an hour away, in heavy traffic, someone turned into my lane from the right so I had to press the brakes fast and hard. I was in the right lane. The person behind me in the left lane saw the situation and in a split-second, pressed their brakes hard, to let me in, so I move around the car in front of me with ease, rather than have to brake fast. I was grateful. I ducked back into the right lane and waved as they passed. They waved. It was a moment of genuine or divine love - between strangers - if that could be possible.

Then tonight, I was booking flights for the group that I'm organizing to go to Guatemala in June and I did most of the bookings on-line. It was working out great. Everyone meets in Calgary (from Regina, S'toon and Edmonton) to continue through Houston to Guate. City together. We all arrive at the same time! yay! Except for my flight. I booked my flight last, coming from Kelowna. It would not let me complete the booking...and it quoted a price that was much higher than the other fares. I called the Phone #...and got a person that tried to book it for me...but came to the same problem. it would not allow them to finish the booking. He said I had to choose a different flight...(and not arrive at the same time or take the same flights...which would be unacceptable).

I said no. He then said they could not help me.

I then said I needed a "solutions provider" to speak with b/c I didn't want someone to just reiterate the problem.

(Apparently, that came out a bit "crisp" but it was true. He was not impressed.) However, it was true... I wanted someone who could help me...who could find a solution...who could divinely love their job...without fear, expectation, judgement, impatience or desire to just to the bare minimum or be lazy, taking the "easy" route.

I needed a solutions provider.

The supervisor was that person. He divinely loved his job...and therefore loved me...and was a "solutions provider", not a "problem reiterator"! In the end, he booked my flight with just a bit of time, patience and creativity on his part....at $900 versus the $1500 I would have paid if it had worked when I tried to book it myself!

Wow! how cool is that?

I guess, for the most part, it's easy to divinely love our jobs, strangers, our pets, people not-so-close to us. It's much harder to love the people closest to our hearts because it's there that we have fear of what we may lose.

Mom, just last week, when we were talking, the message I heard when you were talking about our relatives...was to "accept and come what may" and be OK with that...essentially - to have no fear...to just divinely love every day and everyone and everything that each moment and day brings...

It's easier said than done, I know, and I'm tested by this (Aren't we all?)...yet I still believe it's ultimately easier to live this way (If I want to live in peace within myself.) I'm trying to divinely love everything in my life from my cat Scotia to the amazing team at the hostel, to my family and friends...everything in my life. **

I love you, Mom.
Thank you for the wisdom you share with me when you think you're just sharing your day. You are truly divine - in every sense of the word!
love Crystal

Sidenote: ** I am trying to love everything divinely except the friggin' mouse that is hiding under my dishwasher. I set the trap for it each night, put peanut butter on it...only to wake up each morning with the peanut butter licked off and the trap still in place. This tiny mouse is out-smarting me! All I know is that I will divinely love to catch that little sucker! Scotia is no help whatsoever! It's unbelievable! I think she divinely loves this little mouse!

PS Mom, when I was in India last summer, I took this photo of the Dalai Lama speaking. It was incredible. I didn't hear the concept of divine love from him but I think he and you both live by the same philosophy of "divine love".

Who knew?

To all those things...not begging for my attention, not screaming my name, not in demand of my time and acknowledgment...I am finally paying attention!

I'm finally listening.

I'm finally living intentionally.

Thanks Mom!

For months, I have not felt quite right. I knew there was something not quite right with my digestive system but sort of ignored it.

I mean, if I broke my leg or if I cut myself, I'd stop and deal with it...but unless it's serious, it doesn't even register on my radar!

A week ago, I finally decided to go to the medi-clinic and ask what might be wrong. After all, I've done a lot of travelling the past year and might have picked up a "bug" or parasite or something. I remember having e-coli and spending an entire flight in the bathroom a few years ago. I couldn't ignore that and went straight to the medi-center at the Vancouver airport upon arrival. But now, I certainly have not felt bad at all, just not quite right.
It could be possible to have picked up a bug...in India last summer.



Or...maybe caught something in Guatemala when I was there a couple months ago. This is my favourite photo of all time - taken of a little girl in Guatemala last year.

Anyway, I finally go to the medi-clinic last week and am rather surprised when they hand me two little bottles and inform me that they need a "stool sample". I figure...I can manage that. So, the next day, I read the instructions, collect and fill the little bottles up to the red line..and put it in the fridge. Then, I seemed to get busy and before I knew it, the lab was closed at the end of the day. It was Friday, so, I kept my little paper bag in the fridge over the weekend until Monday, last week. On Monday, bright and early, I take my paper bag to the lab and give it to the lady. She asks, "when was this sample taken?" to which I reply "Oh, last week but I kept it in the fridge over the weekend." She smirked and said, "Oh no, 24 hours. That's the maximum time allowed. You need to take another sample." It was rather amusing. I laughed at the thought of my paper bag in my fridge all weekend and the process of taking another sample. Sometimes the silliest things can be so funny.

So, to make a long story short, Mom...I took in my sample last week and the lab calls me today to tell me that I got some sort of bacteria (likely from the water while traveling) and need to take some antibiotics and I'll feel much better within 3 days.

Who knew?

YOU would have, that's who.

Thanks for your influence Mom, and for all that you teach me, even if I'm a slow learner!

I love you!
Today, I had to shop for the hostel so I couldn't get into the garage b/c it was dark...but tomorrow...look out Garage! We have a date! Before/after photos to come by the end of the week!
love Crystal

Cleaning the garage

Mom,
I've heard you say, "Rome wasn't built in a day." Well, my garage can't be cleaned in a day either. I think this is week-long task. Maybe two. I know where am going to be every evening this coming week, after working in Penticton during the day.

Today is Sunday. Taking a nap and then going for a 14km run instead of tackling the garage first thing seemed like a good idea. So that's what I did. After 37 minutes, I could feel a smile on my face...and after 1 hour and 9 minutes, I couldn't wipe the smile off, even if I tried. At about 1 hour and twenty minutes, I made it back to my front step and was sooo glad to be home....and so glad that my feet took my body and spirit where they needed to go.

Back to the garage...I've got my plan and it's going to look GREAT...soon. I have to admit that I have no idea how it got this messy. I'm the only one with a key to it...so I know it's all my doing! I think I've just ignored it's existence for a year or more. Honestly. It wasn't begging for attention...so it just got ignored!

What else in my life isn't begging for my attention...and is just getting ignored...that maybe shouldn't be ignored?

Something else to think about as I clean the garage...
Here's my plan:
Make 3 Piles
- one to keep
- one for a garage sale
- one last pile for items to give away or take to the dump

It was a slow start today but a lovely, intentional Sunday that was just what my soul needed.
Space.
A slow pace.
Grace.

I also have some wonderful news...Amelie (from Quebec) is coming to visit for a week around June 18th. I am so excited!

Do you think God heard me say that I was lonely? He must have because Amelie is one of my most treasured friends, more like a sister, and spending some time with her will be truly so amazing. She said she wants to do yoga, visit, go for runs, work a little and I'm sure we'll laugh until we cry, reminisce about days gone by, and I can hardly wait to hear about her family (she has two little children) and life since she managed the hostels years ago! We'll go paddle-boarding, make great meals, mabye take a day-trip down to the South Okanagan to buy fruit or something, enjoy some great wine and just enjoy reconnecting. I am so grateful!

The back yard is looking fabulous. The lavender and flowers are gorgeous and the big trees overhead are dropping white seeds that are blowing everywhere, as if it's snowing!

It's 7:20pm.
I could almost go to bed so getting up at 5am to go for a run will seem easier.
I love you, Mom.
Thank you for teaching me how to "work" and also for teaching me that getting my hands dirty, doing the "un-fun" jobs and just getting started is a battle half won.

love you,
Crystal

Make a list

Mom,
You make lists. Lists for grocery items you need to buy. Lists for what to take to the beach. Lists for things you need to do and even sticky notes on the calendar for various appointments.

This morning, I made a list. Two lists, actually.
After feeling a bit lonely lastnight, I went to sleep and had the best sleep, with Scotia purring loudly beside me. It's amazing what a good sleep can do for one's perspective. This morning, I decided to look at my life objectively to get a more accurate view of what my life is really like.

Two Lists:
1. All the things that are going great in my life
2. All the things that are not going great in my life

First List:
- I have the most wonderful family who love me and would do anything for me
- I have many wonderful friends who always have my back
- I'm healthy
- I am blessed to be able to do what I love and work for myself
- I am fortunate to have an innately positive attitude and disposition
- I am financially secure, for the most part
- I live in a great country where freedom reigns
- I've always been blessed with how life just seems to "work out" and opportunities just seem to come my way
I could go on and on...

Second List:
- I wish I was with the man in my dreams b/c life seems incomplete without having someone to share the big and small moments of every day with.
- my garage needs to be de-cluttered and cleaned out

Funny how making a list, putting things on paper, and then objectively looking at it puts it all into a better perspective. At this moment, I'm very grateful that the "bottom of my barrel" is quite shallow. Thank you God.

Thanks Mom.
I better get to that garage. I know what to do there. As for the other item on that list...maybe it'll come to me when I'm cleaning the garage.

love Crystal

No mask required

Hi Mom,
As I reflect on today, I am completely perplexed at the range of moments and emotions that I experienced. This morning I did a speech for our local Junior Chamber Regional (BC and Yukon) annual conference. I did well. Really well, I think. Just me. No powerpoint or projector. Just me. It felt good!

I felt honoured to be invited to speak to an organization that has honestly given me so much over my 15 years as a member. (It's this women's leadership group Mom, where I did that speaking competition years ago.)

Anyway, then I did some errands and met a girl from SK (who is Carrie Dedecker's daughter's friend). She's moving out here and doesn't know anyone in Kelowna...and she met me on FB (facebook)...so we met and chatted about her schooling and moving to Kelowna).

That was also great...and spending a bit of time at the hostel was awesome too, but then, for some reason, later in the afternoon, I just became irritable. For no reason. Totally irritable. Totally no reason. It was odd! I was perplexed. I still am.

Even after going to a Junior Chamber dinner and party, I am still surprised by my "irritation for no reason" mood. It's sort of gone now but I'm still a bit "off".


What I do know is this: No mask required.
It's OK just to be me. I'll accept whatever it is that I'm supposed to be feeling...and allow myself to feel it. Not happy all the time. A little "off" once in a while. And tonight, tonight I think I'm feeling lonely.

Yes. I feel lonely tonight. Scotia must know b/c she won't leave me alone and is purring louder than a diesel engine. Even when I'm lonely, I can't help but feel so loved. How lucky am I.

There's a poem that I found by Rumi that we gave out on the Retreat, that hits home for me tonight:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Morning will bring a brand new day. Mom, that's what you've taught me...to allow myself to feel whatever I am supposed to feel (no mask required) and then, to have hope for a brighter day tomorrow.
Thank you.
Love you,
Crystal

Make a wish...aka...PRAY!

Mom,
Some might say "make a wish". You would say "PRAY!"

Tonight, I am wishing and praying for all sorts of things...for me and for others...and hoping that these wishes be granted and prayers, heard.

This is a photo taken last summer when I was in India, spinning a larger-than-life "prayer wheel". I'm sure some of my prayers then were the same as they are now.
...and a photo on the beach in Mexico during our retreat...where my wishes, hopes and prayers are sent out to the world.

There's a song by Garth Brooks, "Unanswered Prayers"...that says something like,

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

...and I know that it's true...some of God's greatest gifts ARE unanswered prayers.

So...whatever the future holds...I'm going to keep wishing, hoping and praying...and whether those prayers are heard or selectively ignored, I'm so excited about the what the future holds...mostly because you taught us to believe that there's a higher purpose for all things that happen in life and that maybe, just maybe, "divine intervention" really does exist.

(On a totally separate note...I can't remember the exact situations or conversations we've had over the years, Mom, ...but I totally remember you laughing and saying, "Divine intervention! I'll give you intervention, all right!" haaa...I'll have to save that for another day.) For today...thank you for teaching me to believe in a higher purpose and wishing...um, er, I meant "praying". xoxo

Have a wonderful time at the beach! I'll be here when you get back. Tonight, Gwen and I ate dinner AT THE NEW HOUSE overlooking the lake! Anne gave me a key b/c the inspection is getting done next week...and then I just have to get the interim financing...and YOUR GUEST BEDROOM (and the fruit trees) are calling your name!!!! Yay!!!!!!
Also had a great conversation with Cindy the other day. She told me what I needed to hear. We have the most amazing family, don't we!

Love you and miss you,
Crystal
PS here are a few other photos that we took on the beach doing yoga poses...

Sitting back and letting go...

Mom -
This is my "little brother" from Australia. David. (He's the littlest one.) Here are a few photos of when I lived there in 1988 with all of my 5 Aussie brothers! The two oldest (Paul and Mark) and I hung out, played tricks on one another and often snuck under the fence to go to watch the drive-in movies across the field. The 3 youngest were there to be hugged and loved. They were often in my bedroom playing, wrestling with their older brothers or hanging around my neck in the pool. I loved most every moment with this family and these amazing little brothers who adopted me as their older sister within an hour of arrival.




Life seems to go "full circle" b/c David, who was 3 at the time, is now in Canada, running the hostel, taking over from Ian (from New Zealand) this past month. He's got to be one of the most talented individuals I have ever met - at dealing with people, at being "firm on principles, flexible on method" and at "sitting back and letting go" which instills a sense of "rising" or reaching potential on the rest of the team. He is adored by the world and everyone in his presence yet at the same time, he's an incredible leader and the team and customers listen and follow his leadership. I am so blessed, so lucky and so very, very fortunate.

Here are a few photos when he arrived last year to Canada.



I think this concept of sitting back a bit and letting go - not micro-managing - is a better way. How stifling that would be. Probably sometimes, I sit back a bit too much, and as a leader, I have soooo much to learn...but something must be going right b/c, my God, that hostel is blessed.

Mom - thank you for sitting back and letting go with all of us, when we were growing up. I do not recall a time that you stifled us and held us back (well...actually...I do remember you saying "no" when we were in grade 5 and got invited to a boy's birthday party) Boy, oh, boy...I remember sulking and pouting over that. hah.
Seriously - thank you Mom. You are the greatest leader I know. And while I have so much yet to learn, looking back at how you sat back, observed, let go and simply had faith...teaches me so much.

I love you,
Crystal
PS thx for the chat yesterday.

The Installation of Love...

Hi Mom,
I got this in my email inbox a few years ago and we read it to the group on the DIVA retreat. I think they really liked it. I love it.
I just wanted to share it with you.
Love you, too.
More to come early in the morning...about "sitting back and letting go".
Love Crystal



"The Installation of Love"

Installing Love on the Human Computer:

Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming.
Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running.

One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

God/Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime.

Author unknown

Bastante!

This means "enough" in spanish. It became one of the fun words of the DIVA Retreat that were repeated at length. There were other words and phrases as well like "vamanos ala ching gara" (incorrect spelling but, politely said, it means, "lets go." ;) Impolitely, it means, "lets get the F&%$ out of here!"

"Bastante" said with conviction... could mean, "This is really ENOUGH!" or...it could mean "I've HAD enough!" or...it could mean "Enough ______ (you fill in the blank).

I remember my mom saying, "That's enough!" in response to many things. It could have been when we were kids, bickering, or it could have been, as a teen-ager (or more recently), if I was doing the "ugly cry" for too long. Or...it could have been if we were working too hard, struggling with something and she knew better that it was a good idea to take a break.

Whatever the situation, I clearly remember my mom saying, "that's enough!"...sometimes with conviction, sometimes with care and gentleness, sometimes in just a matter-of-fact way. One thing is for sure...when ever she said it...she was right.

It was enough.

This morning, as I refocus and finally get my feet on the ground, and not on the sand (in Mexico), I've had enough!

1. I've had enough of wasting time and lacking focus! Big dreams and aspirations are waiting for my attention and it's time to really get passionate and focused about some of them and bring them to life!

2. I've had enough with my excuses about my fitness and health. That 6-pack is coming! So is summer! I've got a race to train for (two actually) and it's time to get my lexus-of-a-bike out on the road! (My car might be a toyota matrix...but my bike...while being a Cervelo (canadian made)....if it were a car...it could very well be a lexus! Red! Hot and soon to be - fast! I've just been to two of Mel's yoga classes this week and even after two classes, I can see my muscles coming back. (Yes - they're coming back b/c those 90 minute classes are like torture (in a good way)! I can't remember my leg muscles shaking like that, with my face scrunched up and beads of sweat rolling down my spine!)

3. I've had enough with settling for "good enough" in my career! It's time to get committed and confident in what I do and in who I am...

4. Bastante! No more missing a day or two, here and there, on my blog either! Bastante!

I could go on and on...but probably I should tell myself, "bastante!". This is enough for now.

Well, except for one thing.
Bastante! No more eating the whole container of ice cream! Yesterday when making the video of our DIVA Retreat for the group, I ate the WHOLE container of ice cream! BASTANTE!


Love you, Mom!
Crystal

DIVA withdrawl...

Hi Mom,

I've spoken or visited with about 5 of our 12 DIVA ladies...and it appears we're all going through DIVA withdrawl...missing the daily routine of breakfast, yoga, learning, adventure and friendship.

Of course, I think everyone is excited to be back, too, with a renewed sense of "self", greater balance and a refreshed perspective on life. Yet...there was something quite wonderful about the connection and time spent with 12 amazing women...all eager to live their life to the fullest and let their light shine!

Today, having been away for about 2 weeks, I'm back at work in full swing with the hostel, planning the next Guatemala humanitarian trip and focusing on my speaking work. Yet, I am compelled to take time to work on DIVA Retreat projects that seemingly fill me to the brim! We're already planning the next DIVA Retreat and have space only for a maximum of 18 people, so I know it will fill up long before we are set to go next spring - back to Mexico and the amazing Retreat Center, La Paloma, that we found so incredible on this journey!

The boutique hotel was perfect! Simply perfect! So, we're definitely going back there and will be booking dates with them soon, once Mel gets back from Ireland (She's going there on a trip with her mom for two weeks leaving tomorrow!). Kate has also agreed to be the DIVA Director and will be in charge of all logistics, details, etc. which will be a huge weight off Mel and I b/c we had to juggle running the retreat, lead the programs, take care of all logistics and try to sleep somewhere in there too.

Today, even with so much work to do, I'm compelled to focus on DIVA Retreat stuff...I'm trying to convince myself that doing this is "living intentionally"...but I know I have to actually get down to business and focus on work that needs to be done, too.

For now, though, I'm making videos of each person on the retreat - with their photos and favourite song. I've only completed a couple so far and they are so fabulous! I'll send you a link when the group video is done and when I've completed Gwen, Kate and Carol's videos.

I love you, Mom.
your diva-daughter,
Crystal

The courage to start...

Feeling the sand under my feet for the past 2 weeks was a constant reminder to me to "have the courage to start".

Not to finish, necessarily...but to simply have the courage to try...to start something...to dream...and to dare to take that first step.

Here are some of my 50 dreams, wants and wishes...in random order, written just from my heart and without censoring what I'm writing.

Some of Crystal’s Dreams, Wants and Wishes...in random order
1. Learn Spanish
2. Learn to play the guitar well
3. Learn to sing
4. Call each family member/niece/nephew 2x/month
5. Get my little Tin Of Wisdom and all 7 themes out to the marketplace in 2010
6. Coordinate 2 DIVA Retreats/year
7. Go to the Pritiken Center for 2 weeks by the end of 2011
8. Discover my healing modality...not sure what it is...but something to help others on a one-one basis...like reflexology or something like this
9. Fine tune my speaking business direction/path/message/purpose
10. Continue with our 100km ultra-marathon for the next 10 years with my friends (Steph, Linda, Alison and Nicole and I ...who started it 5 years ago)
11. Give $ to charity every year
12. Slow down and make a little more space in my life for my family and friends...not work or travel so much
13. Become a better listener
14. Read the bible once
15. Read one book/month
16. Make a positive difference in the world – in a big way – however that may be/look
17. Be debt free by the time I am 45 years old
18. Adopt a village somewhere in Central / South America (that is Spanish) and spend one month/year there – starting in 2010
19. Finish de-cluttering my house and garage
20. Write my book “A Secret Dream” in 2010
21. Have long hair once
22. Complete the sale of my condo in Edmonton and move in to my house in Caseloma by July 1st, 2010
23. Have a 6-pack in 2010
24. Complete 30 IM races in my lifetime
25. Complete 2 more IM races (IMCanada and the Hawaii IM) in 2010
26. Meet the man of my dreams
27. Get married and create the most wonderful life/relationship together
28. Have 3 kids
29. Help eradicate the use of plastic bags in retail stores
30. Continue writing my blog for my mom
31. Focus on my nutrition and health much more, making it my #1 priority
32. Be healthy until I’m 90
33. Write a book about owning and running a hostel – for other hostel owners and write about lessons learned/stories/metaphors for living a great life
34. Fine tune The 90 Day Challenge and get it to the marketplace
35. Be invited to be on the Oprah show
36. Publish an inspirational coffee table book with my photography
37. Hold a fund-raiser at The Rotten Grape to raise funds for Room To Read in 2010
38. Plant my own vegetables every year / grow a garden
39. Invite my mom to come out to Kelowna when I have the new house and ask her to teach me how to make jam
40. Have a family get-together in kelowna with Gwen and invite any family/nieces/nephews to come and visit every summer
41. Sponsor a family at Christmas every year with the hostel
42. Own the very best hostel – cleanest, safest, friendliest hostel on the planet
43. Celebrate “this” moment and be fully present, every hour of every day – as much as humanly possible
44. Be an inspiration to those around me – to help them discover their gifts and talents and share them with the world
45. Continue to learn and strengthen my faith in God
46. To be completely comfortable in my own skin
47. Learn to play the piano
48. Have dinner parties / a bunch of friends over once/month for dinner, laughter, connection and fun
49. Become the best friend, sister, child...that I can possibly be
50. Have the courage to take the first step towards these dreams and countless more in my heart and life.

Mom, another dream, want or wish for me would be to live my life as you have always lived yours...with grace, truth, strength, humility and love.
I love you.
Crystal

Happy Mother's Day!

Mom,
Words cannot express how much I love and appreciate you!
Happy Mother's Day.
Love Crystal

Nap or Time Out?

I needed a time-out one day on our Diva Retreat. We had just gone surfing the day before and I hit my head on the sand... b/c while I got the "how to get up on the board" correct, I didn't quite have the "how and WHEN to get off the board" quite down.

Amazingly, I got up on the board and was so excited to be standing...SURFING! I wanted to ride that wave in as far as I could... after all...who deliberately jumps off their board once they've actually made it to standing on it?

Good question.

I had an amazing time - riding a surf board for the first time in my life! We did actually take surf lessons about 25 years ago...in Hawaii...but I don't ever remember actually standing on the board back then.


So...I rode the wave in as far as I could...and upon getting very close to the beach, I asked myself "How am I supposed to get off this thing?" A few different thoughts came to mind in that milli-second....let the board hit the beach and then just run off on to the sand...try to jump off now...hmmm....
Well, I didn't have much choice b/c the wave and water beneath me receded quite quickly and I reached the sand faster and harder than I could have ever possibly imagined and did a total face-plant-smack-down on to the beach. (Mel and Mandy apparently saw the whole thing unfold while sitting on the beach down the way and I guess it looked so funny, they laughed so hard!!) After the smack-down, I proceeded to get back on my board, make it past the breaking waves and lay there for few minutes...thankful that I didn't knock myself out or something worse.

Note to self: learning how to start something or try something new is great...but it might be wise to learn what to do next....

The next day, I had a total headache and my neck was really sore. We went snorkeling and it was a fabulous day. I was spent though, by the end of it, so when we stopped en route home to do a little tour of a local shop, I just was not into it. I did see this hammock outside in the courtyard though...so that's where I went to relax and have a time-out.

15 minutes.

Just enough time for a little nap or time out that I needed to take for myself.

It felt good to take a few minutes for me. I felt better. My mood was better and my neck felt better too.

Funny how a little time out can do such wonders.

Mom - You take time out's when you need them and I'm so glad! It must feel great to put your feet up, relax and take some time for you.

I love you!
Crystal

The response-ability to choose...

Mom,
Good morning from Kelowna....where the sun is shining and the view of the lake is gorgeous this morning!! There's no sound of the ocean waves or smell of the salty ocean air but it's stunning here this morning and I'm so glad to be home!

So glad to speak with you lastnight as well! Thank you.

Mom, today I am thinking about how you always made us aware that it was our responsibility to CHOOSE...in any part of our lives. There was no "victim" mentality allowed in your house. Thank you for this life-lesson, Mom. It's probably one of the most valuable life lessons you instilled in all of us. It's certainly one that I'm grateful for.

You taught us to take responsibility, to fore go being a victim of circumstance and take action when we wanted to do something, achieve something or get somewhere...on any given day or in life.

I see myself behaving this way so often and I know I have you to thank. You and your values and strength appear in all of our actions and behaviours (well...the good ones, at least) every day! I know I'm soooo NOT perfect and have so much growing and learning to do...and could improve in many areas of my life and how I respond in many situations...but I think I'm moving in the right direction...and that feels pretty good.

Mom, thank you for teaching me that I have the response-ability to choose...
- how to respond in any situation
- that I can laugh and find the humour present every day
- to look at the bright side of things even when that's the hardest thing to do
- that family and friends are what matter most in life
- that it's my responsibility to choose how I want to live my life...and that I need to stand up for what I need, even when it's not the easiest thing to do
- to listen to my intuition
- to choose who I surround myself with b/c I'll be influenced by their presence in my life in immeasurable ways
- that no one else is to blame and it's no one else is at fault when things don't work out...and that there's always an invitation to choose to do things differently next time when given another opportunity
- that nothing's so serious or worth getting upset over...b/c in years from now, it won't really matter
- and then there's the little things....thx for helping me to see the humour in life in the little things that happen....like when trying to find the mouse lastnight that Scotia brought into the house...


I thought of you, one particular night, on the DIVA Retreat when we were all locked out of the Retreat Center, La Paloma, b/c we all forgot our keys for the main doors an the beach entrace was locked. A few people were waiting in front of our place while Kate went back to the coffee shop down the street to get a set of keys from one of the other Diva's. I didn't want to wait (truth be told...I had to go to the bathroom), so I went down to the beach and climbed up and over the ledge, shimmied around the bars and was then going to go to the main door on the other side of the property to let everyone in. (I thought of you as I was "McGivor-ing" my way up the wall from the beach far below and carefully around the bars.) As I was making my way around the metal bars, on the inside of the ledge, I heard Carol say, "What the heck are you doing?" Inside, I hopped down and said that I just had to find a way in, in case the other girls didn't have keys. We laughed...and both were running to get to the washroom. It was quite funny. I know I get this sense of responsibility and choosing to take action rather than wait or be a victim from you.

Thanks Mom....for everything you are and for what you have made of me.
Love you,
Crystal

Doing nothing at all.

Hi Mom,

It's 2:00am. Our taxi gets here in just under an hour. I got up early to shower and make sure we didn't sleep through our alarm. We went to sleep lastnight after a fabulous dinner and a few minutes on skype with you! It was WONDERFUL to see you!

You really are like the marshmallow in rice-crispie-cake for our family!

We had the most relaxing two-day-siesta possible!

Gwen led our exercise bootcamp yesterday and then the 4 of us read, swam (Kate even got goggles in Melaque and swam!), ate fruit and enjoyed the sun together. Then, lastnight after dinner, all 4 of us had our feet in buckets, doing a foot-scrub together. We had such a good tiime. How we wished you and the others were here!

Living intentionally just might mean doing nothing at all. Or, at the very most, as little as possible. Seriously - I'm realizing that this could very well be one of the most important components of living intentionally...not cramming and jammming in so much; taking life a little slower; leaving space for things that I really want to do, not just things I need to do (b/c I said "yes" when i should have said "no"). Ahhhh....so whether it's watching the waves come in at the ocean or the sunset at the beach...doing nothing at all sounds like a great idea.

We're up in 20 min to say goodbye and get our bags down to be ready for the taxi.
I love you.
We'll call you en route.

Not much time left of our siesta...but it sure was great! The only thing missing was you (and Don). And the rest of our family! Cindy says it's snowing in Calgary. I wish we were all here, enjoying the sun and having fun together!!
love Crystal

Sunrise. Sunrise.

Living intentionally meant "sleep" for me yesterday.
This is the view I see as I wake up to the sunrise this morning.

After our 2 hour walk, we spent a while visiting and then I went to sleep. Before dinner. It felt wonderful! I woke up this morning at 7:00am after about 11 hours of sleep...feeling better. Much better. I was completely wiped out. I felt like I had nothing left to give. Today, after a great sleep, I feel more like me, more alive and refreshed and (using Gwen's great line, "I am here to serve") ready to be there for my sisters now, like they've been there for me the past 10 days on the retreat.

Mom,
Sometime in the middle of the night, I heard Kate and Gwen laughing. It was hilarious. The 3 of us are sharing a room here, like we have so often lately. We have spent a fair bit of time together - in Edmonton working on the gala, at Gwen's when Kate came out, now here for the past 10 days. We are so lucky! Kate says she's going to come out if/when I finalize the new house purchase...and so this 3-sister-trio will continue again. (Perhaps you, the other sisters and Don can come out too!!!!)

It's Kate's birthday today! What a place to celebrate.
Have a wonderful day Mom. Know that you are here with us in spirit. We'll try calling you on skype today. I can't wait.

I love you,
Crystal