This, too, shall pass.

The honest truth.

Today, I am lonely.

Mom, Scotia and I are having a little "pity party". It's not really a major pity party, but still, a little one. All I can say is, thank God, these parties don't happen very often and when they do, they only last a few hours. That's enough for me.

I can see the big picture. I'm not complaining. I know I have a great life, a spectacular future, tons of faith and so many opportunities ahead of me. I know that I have the greatest family and lots of wonderful friends. I have my health, security and more than I could ever ask for in life...and I am very gratetful for all of this.

But today, I am just pure lonely.

Lonely. Lonely. Lonely.

I could surround myself with people, easily. I could call any one of a million family members or friends. But I'm not lonely for a friend to talk to. And I'm not sad. I'm just lonely. My heart is lonely for someone to love.

Well, not just "someone" though. "Someone" would be very easy to find. I don't want that. Rather, I'd like to meet someone that I truly love...that loves me... A partner to share my life with. Someone to share my dreams with and be a part in theirs. Someone that makes my heart sing. They don't have to be perfect. I'm not. But, right now, I pray and wish that the person I'm supposed to meet would find me...or I'd find them...or we'd just cross paths...and know enough to stop and pay attention.

This "someone" is someone that God (or maybe you, my close friends or sisters) think I should be with b/c, clearly, I do not know what's best for me and the choices I've made in the past have not been quite right for me. Sure, I've always gotten exactly what I wanted....only to realize quickly that what I (thought I) wanted, wasn't really what was best for me. Yes, I've had a few opportunities to meet someone, but they just have not been "the one" although I'm grateful that I've made some wonderful friends.

I'm at a loss. I'm obviously "not in the now - because I don't know what to do".

If I did know what to do, I'd say that I need to remind myself to just have faith...to not be too attached to the outcome...and just take care of the present moment...and the rest will take care of itself.

I'm taking my hands off the wheel.

The little DIVA card that I randomly drew today said, "You have everything you need within you."

It doesn't really feel like it right now.

I did have a great bike ride today and blessed few hours of packing boxes and moving them to the new house, with a lovely stop in to see Gwen. For these things, I am grateful - and blessed - and still lonely.

Did I mention that I'm also feeling sorry for myself?

I am. And I know it. I'm a little amused by this b/c I don't feel sorry for myself very often. And when I do, I don't really want to share that with anyone, but this is the truth. Today - I'm lonely and tonight, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.

It really is quite funny. I'm almost laughing as I write this b/c somehow, simply honouring where I'm at and being so real and honest about it takes all the strength out of it. And then it just is what it is. A little lonliness. It feels good not to hide, run or avoid.

I'm still tired of doing everything alone, without a life-partner to share some of life's moments with...little day-to-day moments and BIG moments...and everything in between. And it would be nice if I didn't have to do everythign around the house...for example, I'd really appreciate it if I didn't have to re-caulk the tub. I hate doing this job. But I've got to do it. I'm selling the house and it needs to be done.

I'm being so silly.

I am trying to imagine what you would say or do, Mom.
I am certain that you'd ask, "What have you been eating? Are you eating enough protein?"

I have. I had salmon and salad for dinner.

Then, I could imagine you saying, "Well then, it's late. Go to bed. You'll feel better in the morning."

I'm sure I will. I don't really mind this lonely time...I don't like it but I don't mind it b/c I know there's a gift here somewhere...and I am sure I will recognize it at some point, just not right in this moment.

Even just writing this makes me feel better. Thank you. I know I'm not alone. I have so many people that love me. But I don't really even have a need or desire to "talk" it out. I think I just need to go through it and come out the other side. And simply allow this to pass.

"This, too, shall pass."
And a good sleep will make a world of difference.

I love you,
Crystal

PS Tomorrow, when I re-caulk the tub, I'm sure I'll feel even better.